My constant consonant replaces chaos

Great loves in life are few, and in some cases never realized.

As I have been searching for jobs/avoiding spending money/avoiding working out, I have been given time to remember some of the activities I love.  As a student I was certain that the list was:

1. Coffee drinking

2. Punching things soft enough that won’t break my knuckles

3. Finding reasons to go to happy hour with friends

Now that I am no longer being crushed under academic stress, different stresses such as will-I-be-able-to-pay-rent-next-month or my-boyfriend-wants-things-to-move-forward, require alternative ways to adapt.

Oddly, I at times feel 18 again.  Not sure what to do with life, endless possibilities await, not necessarily tied down to anything.  The wide possibilities also lend to a special type of panic. As a teenager, I was dealing with familial problems few people have had to face, and so I turned inward and expressed my frustrations in music and poetry.  Recalling this helpful release in light of my 28-year-old-ish problems, I picked up my guitar for the first time in years yesterday and was surprised I was still able to play.

But greater loves have taken over my attention.  Last year after I got back from Europe I was determined to learn German, and bought Rosetta Stone.  School did not permit that I continue this type of scholarship, and have only last week picked back up where I left off. Ich liebe es! (I love it!)

In addition to that, I forgot how much I love leisurely reading, and have been flying through a book. I found my Scrabble set and have annihilated opponents in all games played thus far. I happily discovered Words with Friends, which many of you may have noticed given the 10,000 games I have initiated recently.

And finally, I have lately been very particular about each and every word my boyfriend says, and for some reason seem to enjoy arguing with him in spontaneous debate.  My seemingly pugilist tendency, I think, has little to do with actually wanting to pick fights, but rather revolves around a different need.

Do you see a common thread here? Each and every activity revolves around my one true love: words. It’s an affair that has been going on since I could spell my first word, A-P-P-L-E.  Since then, I have been obsessed with learning new ways to speak, engaging in debate, adding new languages to my repertoire and even avoiding the television to pick up a good book.

I have always been nerdy, and my ways of expressing it dynamically change given life circumstances. And here in another life turning point, my interests and nerd manifestations have again shifted.  During school, I medicated the tremendous stress with copious social activities, as time alone with my thoughts only meant I was freaking out over, or actually doing, schoolwork.  In the times that I had “free” (“free” = time too tired to continue work, but really should have been anyway), cluttering my schedule was the perfect distraction to forget the mountains of papers to grade and research to conduct.

But now in the quiet, demands having subsided, I no longer need the chaos.  Life today is pleasant.  Stressful still in some ways, true, but I’m ready to enjoy the quiet and not worry about chasing away deadlines with a packed social calendar. I can listen to my real desires, and I can honestly say at this point I’d rather stay home and host a board game tournament than go out bar crawling. Did I just say that?  I’ll still serve Coronas.

I’m ready to, I’m going to say it, do grown up things. No more he-says/she-says mediating, but replace that with intelligent conversations for the fun of it.  Take dance lessons, host fancy dinner parties – the latter when gainful employment is attained.  And while I stress about growing up in more ways than one, my one true love has always been with me through every inconvenient life turn.

In writing, poetry, song lyrics, foreign languages and spirited debates, I find his familiar comfort.  I have faith my friend who shares my love for grammar will pull me through these recent trials, once again.


About jonierdmann
Ask thoughtful questions. Challenge tradition. Refuse to accept things are the way they are.

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